Half of the year is GONE or Losing my Appetite

I'm pretty nervous about this upcoming Richmond test. I'm doing a little bit of studying which after tonight is going to turn into a lot. I have this horrible habit of fixating on really useless time consuming things to avoid doing work. Right now I'm fixated on bicycles. I really need this to happen for so very many reason. For whatever reason, and I've said this before, this year is the year for fire departments. Everyone is hiring and I've missed out on these opportunities because I have failed tests. I only have a few more months left in this "season". Not a lot of cities are going to be hiring anymore. I know I have to bear down but I'm just so swamped with my own worry its sickening.

I really need this to happen. I don't know how much longer my mental and emotional health can take this current job. I swear I get stupider everyday. See! I basically don't interact with anybody all damn day and when I do it's idle chit chat and not a rel conversation. This is why I need to be home. My brain is turning into jelly and I'm not advancing myself. Sure I read and do my online class but growing involves so much more than that. I just need to put my head down and focus.

The Realization or "How To Walk Into a Wall"

I had hard times for a few years, nothing went right. I can't say who or what started the snowball to avalanche to epic devastation. All I know is, I got through it. And I type here today reflecting on those few years as a learning experience. Every now and again we all have tough times, you might think. Yeah, every now and again. Mine happened to be a non stop barrage of events that left me on a proverbial ground. cold, beaten and lonely. It was a hole that I had to get out of. In the process of getting out of that hole and even learning to "walk" again after being beaten and held down, it was that I realized the path I was on was not one that I wanted anymore.

In this "healing" time I had much to reflect on, people I have met, things I have done and careers I have pursued; I wanted to be happy again. I thought searching in material things I could find happiness, but I realized that I had to be passionate about it. I thought of a lot of jobs that I have held that made me happy. Firefighting was something I had pursued.

I took it upon myself to do a number of station visits, get my EMT-1 cert and get back in shape. It just turns out that this year, 2008, is the year for getting into a fire career. And so it began.